This month I tried doing random acts of kindness everyday. I thought since it was December and right before the holidays, I would participate in the “spirit of giving”. I thought it would be a great chance for me to get into the Christmas spirit before holiday break and before there was snow on the ground. This is my favorite time of the year, and it was a great opportunity to make it even more meaningful by touching someone new everyday.

Honestly, I’m disappointed in myself. My random acts of kindness seemed to be a last-minute thought every night. I asked myself “what did I do today that could be considered my act of kindness” or I was scrambling to do something before I went to bed. I even forgot to something on multiple days. It was disgraceful.

I was able to do some nice things. I helped my mom, spent time with my grandma, donated money on #GivingTuesday, and called my other grandparents. Those actions felt good, but they still lacked meaningfulness. I lacked pride and accomplishment in my actions. I feel nothing like Trevor McKinney from the movie Pay It Forward. I couldn’t have made that much of a difference in these people’s days.

I’m trying to stay optimistic by assuming that I’m wrong. My actions probably meant more to some people than I think. Unfortunately, I don’t really know, so I’m going to use my shame to encourage you all to reach out during this holiday season.

I’m disappointed that I was ultimately too busy or inconsiderate to do more acts of kindness. And I think most of you have probably felt the same way at one point. Everyone’s busy this time of the year: hosting families, traveling, shopping for gifts. Giving the mall Salvation Army Santa a dollar IS NOT ENOUGH.

I failed in my eyes. I didn’t do enough. I let school and my other activities get in the way of spreading holiday cheer and hope. I didn’t slow down. I didn’t pause my movie to shovel an elderly neighbor’s walkway. I failed. But I refuse to quit my thoughtful gestures.

I will continue my random acts of kindness, and make them bigger, more meaningful. I encourage you all to do the same. Students, that this break as a chance to help others, reach out to people, impact someone’s life, or at least brighten their day. Adults, consider doing the same. Involve your family, anyone you can. Spread the holiday cheer. Pay it forward.