If you think something is wrong, then something’s probably wrong
More stories from Ryan Post
Within the past few weeks I noticed some improvements, and thought my anxiety was steadily decreasing. It had been many months since my last episode.
That was all until last Monday night: I was faced with the worst anxiety experience of my life, and I was up for three hours, anxious and shaking.
I’ve been in a battle with my own mind for months now and it’s only been a downhill path so far.
I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis, almost at all times. This constant running of my thoughts has gone to the extent to where I’ve lost almost all control. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone because it is so hard to put into words what happens to me, but it has changed my life negatively and has begun a road of self-medication where I seek to take matters into my own hands.
It started with the episodes: at least four or five times this summer I woke up around 4 or 5 am, feeling like I was a completely different person. Constant shaking of my entire body and a whirlwind of random words and thoughts and visions going through my head were the recurring symptoms that I can recall from all of the episodes.
Yet, the symptoms don’t only show during these times. My focus and involvement in school has been a rollercoaster. I’ve had days of total introversion and blankness, and days where I have been more social than ever in my life.
These polar opposite sequence of days are especially troublesome because I have no choice on who I will be tomorrow morning, or even in the next few hours. I’m currently on medication, and my medication now is able to suppress SOME of the feelings, but it has also been a rollercoaster of changing doses, types and timing.
It takes a long time to pinpoint what works the best for each individual. Some people can get immense help from simply sharing their thoughts with someone who will listen or a therapist, others can’t even put into words what is happening to them, which creates a much larger feeling of confusion.
This definitely took a toll on me and was a major relapse. To this day, the relapse is still taking affect on me, but I’m done letting this control me. Losing control of one’s self can be one of the hardest things in the world to go through. This isn’t me asking for pity. It’s me asking everyone who isn’t facing something like this to ask someone who is struggling to share their story and try to step into someone else’s shoes.
Before saying “dude, everyone gets anxious,” ask yourself: does your stress keep you up all night? Does your stress cause intense panic attacks that make you feel like you can’t breathe? Does your stress force you to self-medicate?
If yes, then, you should get help.
If not, then maybe you just don’t understand, and by saying that, you’re making it harder for that person to validate their own experiences. They don’t need to hear that.
I would definitely not say that there is something “wrong” with me, but my mind is just different. I’ve accepted this fact and it doesn’t scare me, but it actually encourages me to fight and try to find my real self and maybe someday not have to go through the daily life of constant anxiety.
People out there need to know that if something feels a bit “off” in their head, whether it’s anxiety, depression, or any mental illness, then they need to trust themselves.
The first step to getting help is acknowledging that your life is worth way more than your problems, and you will get through them, don’t get it twisted. The least we could do for each other is to lend an ear to someone who is struggling and you may not realize it in the moment, but you might be saving a life.